Shit Happens & Other Recipes

Seen at The Onion

Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars

Unmanned Vehicle 'Bored Out Of Its Mind'

Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars

PASADENA, CA—NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory scientists overseeing the ongoing Mars Exploration Rover Mission said Monday that the Spirit's latest transmissions could indicate a growing resentment of the Red Planet.

Enlarge Image

Spirit completes a diagram of an erect human penis on the planet's dusty surface.

"Spirit has been displaying some anomalous behavior," said Project Manager John Callas, who noted the rover's unsuccessful attempts to flip itself over and otherwise damage its scientific instruments. "And the thousand or so daily messages of 'STILL NO WATER' really point to a crisis of purpose."

...and rub my tummy too..

At a recent dinner someone was questioning my brother Dan:

Friend: “So after 30 years of teaching and running the drama department what are your plans for the future?”

Dan: “I’m thinking of opening up a drama school.”

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He then turns to my other brother John:

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Friend: “So you’re a doctor of psychology and you act?”

John: “Yes, I played leading man in about 8 shows this past year and have several lined up for next year.”

Then the friend turns to me:

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Friend: “So Mickey, what are your special talents?”

Me: (After a slight pause)…: “Well, I don’t act or teach… but I can brush my teeth and piss at the same time.”

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No one, (but me), thought that was funny. It not only is a special talent, but is also the epitome of multi-tasking.

Things that annoy the crap out of me:

I’m hoping you’ll join me and comment about the things that annoy the crap out of you. Please. Not commenting will annoy the crap out of me.

Anyway, let me preface this by saying that I spend my life on the road. I’m in sales and meet with between 3 and 5 families every day. Six days a week. So I see well over 1,000 families in a year and spend countless hours on the highway. So my biggest annoyance would be....(drumroll please)... :

1.     Drivers

There is so much about today’s drivers that makes me nuts it’s hard to find a starting point… but here goes:

·        Motherfuckers who drive slow in the left hand passing lane. What’s up with that? This is a passing lane you stupid pieces of crap! Pass and move over. Not to mention that it’s the law. Learn how to read the fucking signs.

·        Tailgaters…I love to slam my brakes on these idiots.

·        Women who put on makeup and men who read the fucking paper in traffic. I promise I will shoot you in the fucking head.

·        People who weave in and out to be first. Second or third is not so bad. Slow down asshole.

·        Folks who turn when there’s a ‘No Turn on Red’ sign.

·        People who drink and drive.

·        People who drive too fast

·        People who drive to slow

·        People who take up two parking spaces to try and keeping their precious vehicles from being nicked. I key these fuckers.

More to come…

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Handymanishness

Being Jewish I suffer from an affliction many of the men of my faith experience. It is the ‘mechanical construction and assembly failure’ syndrome. In laymen’s terms, (as explained to me by my Rabbi), Jewish men can’t do shit around the house. Oh we can change a light bulb or two, as long as the electricity for the entire street is down. And I’ve been known to pick up a paint brush on occasion… (Sam, my black mutt is now a nice crème color).

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I’ve tried…God knows, I’ve tried. When I first bought this home 17 years ago, Terri wanted ceiling fans in all the bedrooms. Since there was no electricity or electrical boxes in the ceilings it meant installing them from the attic. Attics as you may know, don’t usually have floors…just rafters that run the length of the home, every 16” or so apart. Not really familiar with this concept, my first trip up there sent my foot through the ceiling several times. I explained to Terri that ceiling fans needed to ‘breathe’ hence the holes in the ceiling were a necessary part of the project. The fans also needed to be attached to something, since the sheet rock of the ceiling wasn’t strong enough to hold the weight. I figured that out fast…after the 3 fans fell. I quickly went out and bought 100 yards of rope, and wire thick enough to hold up a bridge. I was in great shape. And even was able to run electricity to the boxes, (The resulting fires were small, and easily extinguished). The fans were finally installed and were a success. Oh, they may wobble a bit and make horrible grinding noises… and the smoke that emerges dissipates through the home easily. These fans were in and so solid, that a nuclear explosion may level the home… but my ceiling fans will remain intact.

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New fan

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As part of the ‘Never Ending Remodeling’ we ordered a ceiling fan for the dining area. It has a remote control unit, a light and says ‘You da man’ in seven languages. Being so familiar with the mechanics of these units, I attempted this installation myself. I did everything right the first time! It took about 12 hours and every tool in my workshop (that’s a joke…Jews call a screwdriver and hammer, ‘workshop’). But I got it up and running. I was so proud; I called the family in to marvel at my ‘handymanishness’. We broke out champagne and I let Corey do the honors with the remote. He turned the light on, then the fan….’Hooray for me!” and ‘He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ broke out. And what I thought was fire works was actually the fan blowing up and bursting into flame. That’s when the electricity went out for the entire neighborhood.

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I never did get the fan up and running again. And when I took it back to Home Depot, the man just looked at me, smiled and said Shalom.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

One of my new favorite TV shows is ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force’ on Adult Swim. This extremely funny cartoon has main characters that include a milkshake, an order of fries and a meatball. 'Fryalator' is the brains in the family. A flying order of fries that shoots lightning from his eyes. 'Master Shake' is a compulsive liar, and 'Meatwad' is brainless. Fun stuff & great writing. Corey turned me on to it and we enjoy watching it together. They are, without a doubt, “number 1 in the hood g.”

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Wii

.The new Nintendo system should be out in about a month. To celebrate I’m thinking of getting the family matching sets of these:

A family that plays together, stays together!!

oops

Just a follow up to my previous post. Blogclicker is out of business.

I wonder how many paid subscribers haven’t even noticed that BlogClicker.com is down and gone? How many of those folks who did not want to worry about clicking for hits just signed up for a paid subscription and then never logged back into that site again - - and just let the hits roll in?

Blog Exchange Sites

In my pointless attempt to gain readership, I have joined two Blog communities. The premise here is that by reading other member blogs you gain ‘points’ or ‘credits’. When you have enough credits, your blog becomes eligible for promotion. Usually, a link and/or graphic to your blog will be shown on the main site and/or in fellow members' blogs. This is how other people find your blog. The Blog Explosion and Blog Clicker are the main exchange sites with over 10 gazillion blogs… (That’s a 10 followed by a gazillion zero’s, for you mathematically challenged folks).

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Of course, since the only blogs I generally read are Ethan’s and my retarded son Corey, I guess my credits will be few and far between; I barely have time to write a blog, let alone read them.

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Another problem is that profanity is prohibited. So my choices were: refrain from using curse words and change the title of my blog; (‘Puppies Happen & other Stories), or suffer as the loneliest blog site on the planet…(with a readership of one, me). To that I say, “Fuck Off!”.

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In our home profanity is used with regularity and held in high esteem. It brightens our days and spices up otherwise boring conversations. It would not be uncommon to hear Terri lovingly wake our son up as follows:

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“Corey dear, it’s time to get the fuck up! Get your hairy ass out of bed; wash your nads and get to fucking school, honey bunny. You really shouldn’t have stayed up till 3am, you lazy no good motherfucker…okay sweetie?”

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New and notable

Here’s what new…

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My home remodeling is almost complete! My kitchen cabinets were installed over the past week and the countertop is coming next week. For those not familiar with the process of getting a new kitchen, I’ll outline it here for you:

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1. Empty cabinets into boxes…or the quicker method…throw all the shit away.

2. Wait.

3. Order pizza.

We have no sink, no cabinets, and everything in the home is still in boxes. Since we’re getting used to living like this, I don’t see us emptying boxes and putting things away any time soon. Of course it gets a little cramped when the three of us want to watch TV. That box really bulges.

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Sam

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Sam, our black lab/border collie/ferret mutt has a tumor. What started out a tiny little thing has now grown to the size of Rhode Island. Corey has named the tumor ‘Ralph’ and is trying to teach it tricks. The tumor can now ‘sit’, ‘come’ and ‘lay down’. Sam is baffled.

Deepest apologies

I apologize to my readership, (all 3 of you), for not posting these last few days. I've been crazy busy and hope to catch up today. While you're waiting, sit back, relax...have a piece of gum and hum the theme to the Brady Bunch. I'll be right with you.

Shit Happens

What’s up with handicapped people riding those little electric carts at places like Home Depot and Lowes? When I began verbally abusing a woman in a cart for speedily crossing from Hardware to Paint without a signal, Terri got angry. I was about to pull the woman from the cart when Terri pointed out she had no legs. What’s up with that? So I’m guessing she doesn’t need that ladder strapped to the bumper. I slapped her instead.

Terri’s probably still upset about me kicking the crap out of some handicapped guy for parking in a ‘Regular’ parking spot. I chased that motherfucker down the street. The word is out….don’t fuck with me.