So that's what they call it when they shove a tube up your ass

I had a procedure done yesterday. I’m almost too embarrassed to say what it was. Okay…no I’m not. It was a colonoscopy, and if you’re over 40 you should probably have one. In fact, since I’m an old pro at this now and if you stop over, I’ll perform it for you at half the price. I’ve been practicing on the dog.

It goes like this…The day before your ‘procedure’ you fast and only drink liquids and a foul tasting medicine; which I mixed into my beer. Then drink more meds and more beer; perhaps a little vodka. Prepare to spend about 7 hours on the toilet…which is fine for me, because that’s where I usually conduct my business and have my meals.

At 6am head on over to the hospital, where they shave your body…(only joking, I shaved myself playing with their toys while I waited. I think the nurses were upset because after I shaved, I covered my body in gauze bandages). The doctor comes in; his finger covered in blood and shit, and shakes my hand. He then describes the procedure, and shows me a hose that (and I kid you not), is the entire length of

Long Island

. I ask: ‘Dr Doody, will you be cleaning that thing off?’ He just smiles. At that point in walks the Action News Team …that’s when I passed out.

In any case I’ll have to get back to you on the rest, my dog is having a little trouble with the Sony HandiCam; but I promise I’ll have all the kinks worked out for when you stop by. Who’s first?